Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
