If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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