I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
