Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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