i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Randomize
