I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
