too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
