I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
