having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
