hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Randomize
