we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
