i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
