Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
