just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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