I can text with my tongue
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
