I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
