i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
