Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Randomize
