wat bout pragnant strippers??
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
