Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
