I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
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