oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
