Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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