I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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