I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
