Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
