Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Randomize
