Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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