i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
