i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
