Have you finally orgasmed yet?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
