seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
