I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
