So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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