I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
