I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
