Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
