how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
