You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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