Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
