i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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