Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I supernannyed him into submission
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
