How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
