FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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