he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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