i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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