a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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