If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
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