I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Randomize
