mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Randomize
