I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
