do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
