My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
